We know that the psychological symptoms of anorexia nervosa include a powerful desire to lose weight. Many wonder, "Why would anybody do that?" Indeed, why is losing weight so important? And why is no amount of weight loss enough to satisfy?
I've read a number of theorists who believe that there is a secondary goal involved in weight loss. I agree with them: Avoiding food, counting calories, and devising new ways to exercise are, in some ways, just means to an end.
Psychological "Specialness" in Anorexia
Simply said, the greater goal is to become "special." A common thread among those with anorexia is a deep, powerful desire to stand out -- to prove themselves exceptional. This is what makes weight loss (something that much of the population can't seem to do) such a great option. It's pretty easy to be special if you can lose weight. You've found a way to want nothing, to abstain from the most basic of needs. The abstinence feels unique and powerful.Of course, you can't simply set a final target weight. When you achieve it, the weight loss is supposed to stop. But then you're not losing weight anymore, and there's nothing left to separate you from others. So you set a lower target weight. And then another. No amount of weight loss is ever enough.
Shame Drives the Psychological Need to Be Special
Why such a huge need to be special? To some degree, each person has her or his own reasons. But my own work suggests that regardless of a person's life story before developing anorexia, and regardless of what triggers its beginning, there is some form of shame present that drives the disordered eating. A person who experiences deep shame wants someone or something to convince her that she's OK. Anorexia serves that function (though not well enough).I've written on the emotional battle in the mind of someone with anorexia: It's a struggle between the immense pride of weight loss and the debilitating shame that can never be satisfied.
Often, a person with an eating disorder can describe an internal voice that hounds her with shaming comments. It may tell her that she's ugly, fat, a poor worker or a social outcast. The voice reinforces shame. To counteract the shame, there must be something that vaults her self-esteem to incredible heights. And reducing her body weight to a dangerous level seems to do it. Temporarily.
There is intense competition on pro-ana (pro-anorexia) websites, because each person needs to be more special than the next. People suggest that these sites are for "support," but the connections are quite often supporting the disorder more than the person. The competition adds more shame ("I'm not as skinny as she is; I have a big problem."), so that when you lose more weight, you have a greater sense of accomplishment and specialness ("I can say I'm her equal now.") You can wear this with pride until the shaming internal voice starts again.
Why Anorexia's Specialness Isn't Special
Those with anorexia cling to their ability to abstain as evidence of their uniqueness. But in their clinging, they give themselves away. They do want. They want abstinence, and they want specialness. Aimee Liu, author of Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders (Warner Books), sums up the paradox brilliantly: "Even abstinence can become an object of craving, which is why wanting nothing is so unsatisfying."It's simply tragic. Anorexia is a search for specialness, but it leaves each person in exactly the same boat as everyone else -- people who have desires and who struggle to reach them. Even as a person flogs her desire for food into submission, she feeds her desire to stand above her peers as an example of strength.
It's hard to get away from wanting. When the desire to be unique gives way to the desire to live a life in recovery, a person with anorexia can put her (or his) willpower to good use.
Source:
Liu, Aimee. Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders. New York: Warner Books; 2007.
