I'm a huge proponent of learning to honor and love your body. Eating disorders create deep disrespect for the body -- sometimes even hatred. So I was immediately drawn to Brenda Lane Richardson and Elane Rehr's 101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body. Building a daughter up to be strong, self-respecting, and appreciative of her body should be high on every parent's agenda.
So why am I so reluctant to recommend it, particularly for those with eating disorders? It's insightful and often encouraging. But, in my opinion, it's also exhausting, strident at times, and even potentially dangerous.
Many Great Ways to Love Your Body Intentionally
There are lots of reasons to like the book. A key benefit is its focus on practical ways to care for the body actively. A few highlights (there are many more):
- Taking a midday bath
- Listening to your body, even in the form of using the bathroom before discomfort begins
- Setting an example of giving yourself time to relax to show your daughter that it's important
- Writing in a journal to process times when the body doesn't feel good
These are all excellent. Though they may seem mundane, few people practice them.
Other suggestions were more novel. For example, consider taking your daughter to meet women who hold various jobs that interest her. How does this develop love for the body? Seeing the many body types of women in careers that she finds interesting is a good reality check. A certain body type isn't in most job requirements.
Or how about teaching her to communicate with her eyes? We neglect the face's expressiveness when we consider the body. The eyes can send a multitude of messages, from "hello" to "back off." Being aware of the face is part of being aware of (and respecting) the body.
A Surprisingly Good Resource for Fathers
Interestingly, one of the most consistently positive parts of the book is the section written specifically for fathers. Men are encouraged to avoid teasing and refrain from criticizing women's bodies. Men also have the opportunity to affirm their daughters' physicality through physical play (like wrestling), as long as they respond when daughters say there's something they don't like. This gives young women an essential sense of choice in dealings with men: They don't have to go along with everything a man wants to do.
Loving the Body Means Dealing With Danger
I was very pleased to see that the authors take the possibility of sexual abuse and assault seriously. They offer practical ways to prepare daughters to limit their vulnerability to these tragedies. Taking a self-defense class and role-playing difficult situations are excellent ideas. There are also tips for identifying potentially abusive males. Even talking about this with your daughter will show how much you value her and see her body as sacred.
But Where's the Body Love in Vengefulness?
In addition to the excellent suggestions for building love of the body, there's also a biting edge in the book -- subtle in some places, but not in others.
In a tip called "Reframe Barbie's Image," the authors have some suggestions for how to play with Barbie to see her in more realistic ways. Apparently, seeing Barbie "realistically" also means that play should be patronizing: "Oops! See Barbie trip. Those unrealistically high arches make it hard for her to walk back and forth, so Barbie has to sit and rest." Meanwhile, other dolls are "laughing and enjoying their physical selves."
Wow. I wonder what happens when the reader's daughter has or develops an "exceptional" body part, even one that makes it hard for her to perform some physical task. How will she summon up confidence in this area? It's odd that the authors (one of whom is a psychologist) could think that being demeaning is a good path to self-worth.
Even more bizarre, this treatment of Barbie flies in the face of tip #56, "Help Girls with 'Perfect' Bodies Understand They're More than Just Pretty Faces." Striking young women often wonder whether their looks are the only thing others value. Maybe that would be a good topic for "conversation with Barbie."
