How Eating Disorders Hurt Caregivers' Relationships

Being Absorbed Can Disrupt Relationships With Spouses and Friends

Those who care for people with eating disorders can feel enormous pressure because of the dynamics of eating disorder symptoms. Whether the caregiver is a parent, partner, spouse, or even a friend, the pressure often ends up harming caregivers' relationships -- those with the people with the eating disorder, as well as those with other family members and friends.

Parents as Caregivers: The Impact of Eating Disorders on Marriages

This is a big one. It is sobering to see the dynamics of a couple whose son or daughter has been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Here are some common problems that arise in these marriages:

• Guilt: A parent feels that it's appropriate to take the blame, and therefore can't face his or her spouse. The result is relational distance.
• Blame: A parent feels that the other should take the blame. Suppose that a father decides that the mother is responsible for their daughter's bulimia, but she doesn't agree. The dad may, for example, become emotionally distant from his wife to punish her for her "unwillingness to take responsibility."
• Anger: It seems too risky to confront the child with anger, for fear of what she might do. It's safer to take that anger to the spouse. Misplaced anger is rarely productive.
• Jealousy: If a parent spends most of her time trying to repair a relationship with the child, and there is no time left for the spouse, the spouse can feel like an outsider.

How Eating Disorders Affect Caregivers' Social Relationships

Problems extend to other relationships. Often, the caregiver determines to "manage" the eating disorder. It can take a lot of time -- monitoring food intake, looking around for empty food wrappers or other evidence of a problem, checking up on the person's whereabouts, etc. Extra challenges are present for caregivers who don't live in the home -- for example, friends or relatives outside the immediate family. And when a person with an eating disorder abuses drugs or alcohol or engages in other dangerous behaviors, there are even more reasons to take time to make sure he is safe.

Under these circumstances, caregivers' other relationships often suffer. There is no time and no energy to maintain social contacts. Sometimes there is barely enough time to care for oneself. Friends frequently notice that caregivers become less and less accessible.

Parents face particular challenges: The stigma that eating disorders continue to carry today can strain relationships. Friends may decide that the parents "must be too controlling" or that their child is "defective" in some way. In these cases, parents can feel a lot of shame and avoid others.

Beyond Caregiving: Avoiding Isolation and Getting Stronger

All of these breaks in relationship can happen easily. But they don't have to be permanent. Some suggestions:

For spouses: Keep dating each other. If you haven't been doing so, start. You can benefit from each other much more now than in less stressful times. Also, reserve times during the day that don't involve talking about the kids (all the kids, not just the one with the eating problem).

For friendships for all caregivers: Move toward others rather than away. Invite them to know more about the problems that are happening. You may just deepen those relationships. If you don't think any good can come of this, evaluate why you think so. Do you fear that they'll blame or critique you? Or that you'll burden them in some way? There's no question that sharing these problems is a very vulnerable thing to do. I think that the risk is worth it; just choose wisely when deciding with whom you'll be talking. Another option for getting a sense of connection is an appropriate support group.

Whenever there is a rift in relationship, a counselor can be a good source of help. If you're caring for a son, daughter, or friend who is in therapy for an eating disorder, ask the therapist for a referral for you. Caregivers are under massive stress; counseling can normalize the things they are experiencing and provide specific courses of action for their situations. A counselor can also suggest family or relationship therapy if necessary and can help coordinate treatment for a person who has multiple treatment providers.

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