A person with an eating disorder often feels as though she must control her environment to avoid getting into uncomfortable situations. Unfortunately, caregivers are part of that environment. The changes to a caregiver's life can be huge.
Losing Freedom in Eating at Home
When someone in your care has an eating disorder, it is natural to wonder how to handle eating. And chances are that it will seem as though you can't do anything right. Here are some possible challenges.
- Types and amounts of foods you buy: Whether the eating disorder involves binging and purging, restricting, or a combination of them, your loved one's eating patterns will change. She may examine your groceries after each shopping trip to see if your purchases are comfortable for her. You may feel pressure to buy the foods that she tolerates to lower the tension in your household. Also, if she does binge eat, you may find some foods disappearing rapidly, forcing you to replace them often.
- Cooking methods: It's common to feel watched in the kitchen. Someone with anorexia nervosa will probably want to know how every dish is cooked and exactly what's in it to give her the best knowledge of calories. Many things that make foods more pleasant can seem off-limits to someone with an eating disorder.
- Mealtimes: When you eat will often become as important as what you eat. A person struggling with anorexia might insist on eating dinner early so that she can convince herself she's burned off the whole meal before bed. Someone with bulimia nervosa may instead choose a time to eat based on when it will easiest to purge the food afterward.
Losing Control of Your Social Life
Events on our social calendars often include food. This can make many social events intimidating to the person with eating issues. When others cook food, it's not socially acceptable to ask what's in it at the level of detail the person with anorexia desires. And for a person with bulimia, a party can be an excuse to binge. Some will simply choose to avoid social interactions to limit these problems.
But what if your daughter is 12 or 13 -- or younger? Even if a daughter is old enough to stay at home, can you always leave her there, shrugging off questions about why she didn't come with you? What if she binges when you're not with her? Often, parents begin to choose to stay home themselves to avoid the hassle. And the resentment about how much the eating disorder controls their lives continues to grow.
Other Losses of Control for Eating Disorder Caregivers
As an eating disorder progresses, it can eat up more and more of the life of a caregiver. Concern over a loved one's physical health and emotional instability can even lead to giving up a job to make it easier to care for her. Further, treatment can be expensive. This can drain savings and/or force borrowing, which then affects other financial decisions.
Dealing With the Bind
In essence, caring for someone with an eating disorder can be much like having an infant: The eating disorder seems to affect every decision you make. But it's key to avoid allowing your life to be consumed by the eating disorder. After all, the disorder has already tried to claim one life. But how do you keep yours?
It pays to examine where food controls you in other ways. If you are concerned about your weight or shape and tend to voice that concern, it will have an effect on those around you. Deal with your own hangups to set a good example.
Do not live by the eating disorder's rules. Just because your daughter has to eat at 6:15 p.m. does not mean that you have to do so. Also, prepare food as you normally would. It's not likely that your loved one will eat what you do; she'll probably figure out a way to find her own. But there is no sense in depriving yourself and the rest of your family of normal meals.
Maintain relationships with others. When a loved one has an eating disorder, it becomes that person's closest relationship. If you become too wrapped up in it emotionally, the eating disorder can be your closest relationship as well (even if it seems like a constant fight). Invite friends over. Accept invitations from others. Let friends in on what's going on (and if you can't trust your friends with this information, reevaluate your friendships).
Finally, seek treatment. Let your daughter or loved one know your concerns in the best way possible. She may need individual treatment; It may be a good time for family therapy as well. Find qualified help and get opinions on how to proceed in your individual situation.
More Resources for Caregivers:
Discovering the eating disorderWhen the eating problem plays out in the family
The strain on caregivers' relationships
Source:
Highet, Nicole, Thompson, Marie, and Ross M. King. The experience of living with a person with an eating disorder: The impact on the carers. Eating Disorders 13 (2005): 327-344.
