Relationships With Eating Disorder Caregivers Suffer

When Caregivers Feel Like Food

Caregiving for someone with an eating disorder requires being close to the person, and caregivers may feel the effects of the disorder personally. It's important to understand how these disorders can affect relationships.

Restricting Food Often Means Restricting Relationships With Caregivers

If someone in your life has anorexia nervosa and restricts her food intake, it is very likely that she doesn't allow anything (or anyone) else to "get in" either. She loses the capacity for intimacy with others. If her father asks her about something important to her, she may deflect the question and ask another question in return to distract him. In short, anorexia eventually leads a person to treat others as she treats food -- by avoiding.

Chaos With Food Translates to Relationship Chaos With Others

The dynamic with food is different when bulimia nervosa is present. One moment, food is demanded and devoured. The next moment, it seems disgusting and must be purged.

Often, a person with bulimia will treat loved ones in the same way. In one moment, friends and family feel incredibly close. In the next, they seem untrustworthy and uncaring. Just as there is behavior to eliminate food, there is then clear behavior to create distance with people. Erratic anger and betrayal are two examples. Having people emotionally close becomes uncomfortable.

Shame of Eating Disorder Becomes Shame in Caregivers and Loved Ones

Even though a person with anorexia often seems to be in control and gives those around her a sense of being indestructible, she usually has a great deal of shame underneath. This is what drives her to want to change herself so dramatically.

Among family and friends, she is able to make herself feel better, in some ways, by making others feel worse. This is not her intent; normally, a person with anorexia wants everyone to do well. But she also believes that she is stronger than other people. When she sees loved ones crumble as they watch her lose weight, it tells her that she is stronger than they are. This makes her feel good on some level, but on another level, she believes that these "weaker" people could never protect and care for her well. This reinforces the sense that she is the only one who can care for herself.

With bulimia, shame is more on the surface. A son with bulimia will not want his parents to know that he is binging and purging, and if he is hiding food, he does not want that to be discovered either. So he carries the shame of his actions constantly. But when family members know of the disorder and see him head to the bathroom after a meal, they can feel their own shame at being part of a family that is not functioning entirely well.

Working on the Real Issue: Avoiding Relationship Distractions

It's important to remember that all of these problems are really reflections of the inner world of the person with the disorder. This can help you to maintain a compassionate perspective and keep your focus on what's important -- making sure that the person gets the help she needs. Review what to do and what not to do in presenting your concerns and pursuing treatment for your loved one.

But it isn't easy, and you may need help. Even though you're not the one with the eating disorder, you may benefit from counseling. A support group is another great resource. Knowing that others are facing the same things you are is often relieving. When you find out that others feel like relationships make no sense, or that they feel shame just as you do, it can give you courage to take the actions you need to take.

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