We've all heard that there is danger in abusive relationships, whether the abuse is verbal, emotional, physical, finanical, or sexual. Someone who hasn't been in such a relationship will often ask, "Why does she stay with that guy? I know he forces her to do things she doesn't want to do on a daily basis."
I believe that an abusive relationship is an excellent metaphor for a person's experience with an eating disorder. Just as abusive relationships do, eating disorders take control and don't let go. They're surprisingly hard to leave behind -- even for someone with months or years of recovery. But what's difficult? When a person gets a taste of life without an eating disorder, why would she (or he) go back to it?
An Abusive Relationship (or an Eating Disorder) Makes Life Simple
Some cultures notwithstanding, living as an adult requires making choices -- what to wear, what to buy, who to contact, how to act, where to live, and so on. Abusive relationships take away choices, because an abusive person is threatened by the other person's freedom.
Since eating disorders often begin during adolescence, before adulthood arrives, giving up the eating disorder means being introduced to many confusing choices. Though it's terrifying, living with the eating disorder is far easier. It dictates the answers to most major questions.
For example, consider a person with anorexia making these quereies: "What should I eat?" Nothing. "Who should I call?" No one, because you don't deserve friends. "What do I buy?" Not an MP3 player. Get some exercise equipment. And so on. Oppressive, certainly, but it simplifies life. Just do what the eating disorder says.
An Abusive Relationship Seems Better Than None
Often, a person recovering from an eating disorder goes back to it because other relationships have broken down. Since eating disorders lead to isolation, relationships can fall away as disordered eating deepens. Recovering healthy social contacts can be hard, but the disorder is more than happy to come back. It's common for a person with a history of disordered eating to hear a voice inside saying, "No one else will want you. I'm all you've got."
Eating Disorders and Abusers Stay "Nearby"
Many relationships between people begin because of proximity -- living in the same building or attending the same school, for example. Often, an abusive person is very hard to drive away permanently. He might call repeatedly, show up at your door, or even follow you.
An eating disorder is more mobile than the most persistent abuser. It's always faithful, never growing tired in its work of leveling shame and making you feel small. When you wake up, the eating disorder is there. When entering a store, you've got a companion. And in your most vulnerable moments -- for example, in front of a mirror -- the eating disorder clings like a barnacle. In fact, don't even consider the notion that it would give you a bit of privacy.
The Honeymoon Period (False Hope)
This is perhaps the most insidious part of an abusive relationship. Shortly after some form of violent behavior, the abuser seems repentant: "I'm so sorry! Don't leave me! I'll never do it again!" It can be a pitiful display, somehow evoking compassion in the person who, moments before, suffered brutal harm. The phone call to the police never happens (and if it does, it leads to nothing because no charges are filed).
While there may not be a precise equivalent to the honeymoon period in the cycle of disordered eating, there are similarities. At times, the voice of the eating disorder will soften -- for example, just before eating turns into a binge: It's OK, Abby. Just a little more, and you can go and get rid of it and feel better. Doesn't that sound good? Then you can take a nap. It's deceptive -- meant to lower a person's defenses -- just like the "repentance" of the abuser.
Eating Disorders and Abusers Are Hard to Ditch
Abusers have a hard time taking the hint, and so do eating disorders. It takes time, strength, and many positive voices to counteract such long periods of oppression and the messages they create. While it seems obvious to others that better options are out there, it simply isn't as clear in the midst of an eating disorder.
That's one reason why many don't seek treatment. Further, it highlights the need for treatment providers to be consistently safe, strong, and resolute. Those with eating disorders know that it's way too easy to return to old relationships when new ones don't seem to be working.
Source:
Schaefer J and Rutledge T. Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence From Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too. New York: McGraw Hill; 2004.
