How to Help Someone With an Eating Disorder

Helping a friend or family member with an eating disorder can be a daunting task. How do you offer help without making the problem worse?

Knowing your limitations is key. You are not the person who will end the eating disorder; leave that to a qualified group of professionals. But you can increase the odds that the person you love will make the choices needed to recover.

What to Do

• Choose a time when you can be calm.
• Present your concerns in a gentle but firm manner.
• Listen as much as you speak.
• Give evidence that you have seen of disordered eating behavior.
• Recognize that persons with anorexia will try to turn people who want to help against each other.
• Recommend that she get treatment, and offer specific resources. Be persistent.
• Be concrete. Set a time by which you want the person to get outside help.
• Remember that when you feel guilty as a helper, you will be less able to help.
• Tell your friend that you want to talk again in the future, and negotiate a time to do so.

What Not to Do

• Don't comment on her appearance. There is no concern or compliment in this area you can say that will not strengthen the eating disorder.
• Don't discuss specifics about nutrition. This makes obsessive thoughts about food more powerful.
• Don't demand that your friend eat differently. People with eating disorders are very good at dealing with bullies.
• Don't try to shame your friend into different behavior. Shame is often what has triggered the behavior in the first place.
• Don't assume responsibility for your friend's weight, emotions, or general condition.
• Don't monitor your friend's eating. This creates resentment.
• Don't be put off by attempts to make you think you're foolish for wanting to help.
• Don't be intimidated.
• Don't think that you've failed if the person denies there's a problem.
• Don't keep your friend's eating behavior a secret for her--even if you've said you would. You are more of a friend when you bring the issue into the open.
• Don't be held hostage by her desires around eating. You are both human beings: She does not get to control what, where, and when you eat.

How to Help in a Nutshell

Essentially, it's good to admit that you aren't going to make your friend better through your own efforts. It will take time, persistence, and a lot of help from trained clinicians. The goal is to continue to point out the advantages of getting that help. Your consistent care can ease her fears of change and encourage her to embrace the possibility that there's something better waiting for her.