When you're fighting an eating disorder, thinking of a Mother's Day gift can be hard. Moms aren't the only factors determining whether we'll end up with eating disorders, but they do play their parts. You may not be sure how you feel about your mom.
Regardless of your relationship with food and eating -- and thus, your view of yourself -- there's no Mother's Day gift you can give that is more lasting and powerful than yourself. But giving Mom the best parts of you may not mean what you've thought it means (or what she thinks it means, either).
The Mother's Day Gift of Truth
I recommend writing Mom a letter that deals with her influence on your attitudes toward food. A letter forces you to make your thoughts concrete. The time spent writing gives you space to remember specific events that have shaped your relationship. This can help you clarify your emotions toward her.You may have realized that a letter is an especially good gift because it's as much for you as for her. Since you're receiving a benefit, producing this gift won't make you resent Mother's Day (or Mom).
You don't even have to give her the letter, if you don't want to. In fact, you should think long and hard about how to reveal this kind of information. Even if you don't send it, a letter can change your attitude, strengthen you in her presence, and reduce your fear of her. In other words, you're growing yourself so that she gets to deal with a better person. That alone is a gift.
If you do want to talk with her about these issues, I've provided some thoughts below on what to consider. First, though, are some examples of truth-telling letters that can be healing.
The Mother's Day Gift Letter -- When She's Set a Good Example
Hopefully, your mom has been a prime example of healthy eating and positive body image all the way through life, even if you do have an eating issue. It's important to remember that her example has given you a good foundation. You might try something like this (assuming you do struggle with an eating disorder):Dear Mom,
Even though I've fought you on different things, I must tell you that your example of eating in healthy ways has been very good for me. You're very open about liking food, you know how to stop when things don't taste or feel good, and you aren't self-conscious about your body. I would love to learn how to do this for myself, and I'm glad I can see your attitude as a guide that doesn't require me to be obsessed about following rules...
It won't end there, of course, and you'll use your own words. You can come up with what's appropriate for your own mom. You could consider reading a letter like this to her on Mother's Day without much concern.
The Mother's Day Gift Letter -- When She's Set a Mediocre Example
What if you have some evidence that your mom hasn't been entirely healthy in her example, and you think it may have affected you? It's important to express that your issues with food and body image aren't her "fault" (because you make your own choices), but it's also important to acknowledge that her actions matter:Dear Mom,
I don't know if you're aware of it, but I'm lucky to have a mom who loves treating herself with food and who doesn't worry about others' assessments of her body. You probably don't know how much this has impacted my view of myself in wonderful ways.
But I've also known for years that you hide food in the closet in your room. It's always the stuff that you like the most, and we never see you eat it. But I've known. In fact, I've eaten some of your stash on several occasions. You never said a word. I learned that you hide what you like and eat it quickly. Today I have trouble with this very same behavior. I want you to know that your shame about eating those foods has not been healthy for me.
I think you thought that it was bad for you to eat those things, and that you were protecting me by not letting me see you eat unhealthy food. I love you for wanting to do the best for me. In this case, I hope that you'll bring your snacks out into the open...
Sound impossible? You can take all the time you want to write. It's key, however, to believe what you're writing. If you're not thankful, writing that you're thankful won't help anyone. Also, avoid sarcasm. Sarcasm will keep you from realizing your real emotions and expressing them, whether they're rooted in anger, sadness, or something else.
The Mother's Day Gift Letter -- When She's Blown It and You Still Love Her
Tough, tough, tough. How do you be clear about what Mom has done without simply being vengeful? It will be different for everyone, but maybe this may help start your thinking:
Dear Mom,
I've avoided writing about your influence on me and my relationship with food. I don't like what I have to say. But I love you, Mom, and I don't think I'm doing you a favor by avoiding what I know to be true in our relationship.
You're not responsible for my eating disorder. I do think that you made it easier for me to have one, however. The strange thing is that I know that the things you did that were harmful were intended to be for my good.
I want you to know that I avoid mirrors now, in part because you often stopped me in the middle of the mall so I could see how my hair was done wrong. You always chose clothes for me in the size you wished I was -- always too small. I know you wanted good things for me, but I felt as though you didn't know me well enough to know how embarrassed I was when other people saw you primping me. You didn't know me well enough to know my size. It made me feel very alone and in need of something reliable.
Anorexia has been very reliable, Mom. It's there no matter what. I hesitate to write this down, because I can guess what your reaction might be to my words. You'll want to throw your hands in the air and leave the room. And if you did get angry in that way, it would be another example of you not knowing what to do with the real me...
This is a confrontational letter. But your purpose is seeking truth, and the truth can be difficult. Again, you don't have to give her the letter. You're honoring her by uncovering truth that she may not have been willing to face, and you're empowering yourself to reduce her psychological hold on you.
