Mary Pat Nally spent 24 years struggling with numerous forms of disordered eating. In recovery, she has illuminated her path to recovery in Reflecting Grace: How One Woman Found Life on a Quest to Outrun Her Eating Disorder, a poetry compilation.
Reflecting Grace:
Our interview highlights the variety of ways in which eating disorders can develop. Nally reveals how her mind, body, and relationships were affected, how she arrived at a turning point, and how seeking many voices of kindness has helped her to respond to the voices of her eating disorder.
When did you realize that you had an eating disorder?
Mary Pat Nally (MPN): The first time I remember have “eating disordered” thoughts was when I was twelve. I went to the doctor and was told that I needed to lose weight because I wasn’t going to grow taller than 4’9”. I went home from gymnastics one day and told my parents that I was going to go on a diet. I became self-conscious of how I looked and who was watching me when I ate, and I was nervous and afraid of everyone and everything. I didn’t want to be short. I was teased all the time and felt as though I couldn’t defend myself. I was told how “cute” I was. Why did everyone feel that they could pinch my cheeks and pat my head as though I was a little dog?
I couldn’t control how people treated me, but I could control how I treated me. I promised myself that though I may always be short, I would never be fat. I did everything in my power to make that true; I would rather have taken my own life than be fat.
What led you to seek help?
MPN: The first time I got treatment, I did it because I finally had insurance that would cover it. The plan was to go in for 30 days, deal with whatever “it” was, and get on with my life. I knew that what I was doing wasn’t healthy, and when I shared my thoughts with people who cared about me, I [would get] really annoyed at their responses. I figured that if I got help, they would stop caring and leave me alone.
For many years I didn’t want anyone to find out about my eating disorder. My ED was more like a friend, and I really wasn’t willing to let it go until I felt that I was safe. I wanted to prove to the world that I didn’t need anyone or anything; I could do this recovery thing on my own. So, [it] appeared that I had my life together when I was actually falling apart. I was even pretending to myself. I wasn’t sure who I would be without my eating disorder, and what would happen if I was actually happy. Would people want to be around me if I was not “sick”? It wasn’t until a couple years later that I could get treatment for me and no one else, because I decided that I wanted to live.
What messages did you tell yourself when you were in the midst of your eating disorder?
MPN: To think that these messages went on in my head all these years makes me sad. My ED seemed so real that it was as though someone was saying: “You are stupid. You are fat. You are always going to be short, fat and ugly. Your voice doesn’t matter. No one cares what you have to say. You are disgusting. If people find out who you really are, they’ll run away. You will never be loveable. No man will ever find you attractive. You would be better off dead. You’re not worthy of taking up space on this planet. You must be perfect. You’re nothing. I am the only one who cares about you. People will only hurt you. You are bad for having feelings. You have to be strong all the time. There is nothing special about you. People pretend to love you because they feel sorry for you. You will be alone forever.” To name just a few…
Do you think that specific factors made your eating disorder more likely?
MPN: Genetics and a history of addictive patterns, along with my gymnastics competition, the media, and my need for control and perfection were factors that were influential.
What physical complications occurred?
MPN: I never fit into the criteria for anorexia or bulimia; I was classified as an EDNOS. My weight fluctuated a little. I lost my menstrual cycle for a bit. I used enemas and laxatives, binged, and over-exercised, but only for a little while so I wouldn’t really hurt myself. My complications came from isolation, depression, and the infatuation with food and weight that led me to get on the scale ten times a day.
How did the disorder affect your relationships? Did you notice any differences in your personality?
MPN: Relationships -- what are those? Seriously, I never really felt comfortable in relationships. I moved 21 times in seven years because every time I got close to someone, my disorder would come out and the person would care about me. I would get scared and run away. I was always afraid of people. It was the negative messages I was “feeding” myself. I was scared of the world and being in it.
What resources were helpful in recovery?
MPN: In addition to my inpatient experience, I reached out to a variety of support groups as well as a dietitian. My therapist has been crucial in my healing process.
How has recovery been uncomfortable? What parts of you has it healed?
MPN: Changing my thought patterns has not been easy or comfortable, although [it is] something that I need to live a healthy life. As I began to heal the behaviors, I wanted to fix them. Now I realize that there is nothing broken to be fixed. Through my process of healing, I can now sit in my own skin and talk honestly about the messages that go through my head. And I can share my emotions with those with whom I feel comfortable.
Do thoughts of disordered eating still occur? If so, how do you deal with them?
MPN: Yes, thoughts do occur. A wise woman told me that balance in life is like a teeter-totter, taking the ups and downs as they come and knowing when to ask for support. I am looking for a job and a new place to live. I am pursuing my Masters in Spiritual Psychology and applying to a program to work toward my Masters in Counseling Psychology. I have a full plate. Do I pay my bills or eat? How do I stay in the present moment? I call my therapist, I am honest, and I allow myself to feel the feelings of not knowing what the future holds. I know that this will pass and that I have the tools I need to live a happy and healthy life.
