Skip the Bridesmaid Contract, Keep Your Friends...

...and Avoid Encouraging Eating Disorders

Question: You're a bride-to-be. How do you promote eating disorders among a bunch of bridesmaids?

Answer: Make them sign a demanding contract requiring them to gain no weight before the wedding, under threat of having them kicked out of the wedding party.

Let me say this up front: I don't know if brides are really suggesting these bridesmaid agreements or not. Some time ago a bride drew up a "prenupital contract" for her bridesmaids as a joke, "requiring" her friends to be well-tanned, punctual for pictures, and no heavier than they were when they received their contracts. She ended up on ABC's "Good Morning America" explaining that it wasn't real.

But in response, You and Your Wedding magazine surveyed 1,000 people, asking them what they thought about such agreements. One in five said that they favored them. There have even been a few of these contracts making their way around through email forwards. Whether the whole idea is based on a joke or not, this result is another example of the sad focus on image and how far a person can take it.

What Do Bridesmaid Contracts Have to Do With Eating Disorders?

Put yourself in a the position of a bridesmaid who gets one of these contracts. You now have four, six, eight, twelve, sometimes even eighteen months to worry about making sure your weight is at the "right" level. Who wants a year and a half of pressure like that, especially when it relates to appearance? And if it's necessary to take unusual steps to maintain (or lose) weight, those steps will probably include behaviors that increase the risk of eating disorders.

Rampant Perfectionism is Rocket Fuel for Eating Disorders

No matter whose perfectionism initiated the idea of having a contract (your own, a parent's), you will ultimately be the one to decide whether to enforce it. So, besides the anxiety that your bridesmaids may feel, your own stress is bound to soar. And what if you gain weight while requiring your bridesmaids to avoid doing so? If ever there was a time that you might want to stop eating or binge and purge, this might be it.

Why? Anxiety driven by perfectionism can create a powerful push toward eating disorders. Eating disorders give perfectionism "a place to land," giving structure to the need to be perfect and instant feedback about whether a person has been "good" or "bad" (whether it's actually true or not).

This feedback is soothing, even when it leads a person to believe that she's "bad." It's harder for her simply to be unsure, and much harder for her to believe that she has value regardless of what the feedback tells her. In other words, the eating disorder becomes her identity: It tells her who she is at a time when she does not have her own sense of self.

Preparing for a wedding, while exciting, is often a time of huge image consciousness and self-doubt. An eating disorder removes doubt and can make wedding prep seem tolerable. Though the effect is temporary, like that of a drug, it can set behaviors in motion that continue as a full-blown eating disorder.

Nip Wedding Anxiety in the Bud

If there's anxiety about how bridesmaids will look at the wedding, it's time to be intentional about relieving it:

• If you have anxiety about one bridesmaid's appearance, ask yourself how long you've harbored resentment toward this friend because of it. How has it hampered your friendship? Maybe it's time to ask for forgiveness, rather than a signature on a contract. I guarantee that you'll feel more at ease on your wedding day.
• Does a friendship even exist? Are you asking her to be a bridesmaid out of a sense of guilt? If so, this is a second problem. You're afraid of how she will reflect on you, and you're afraid to be honest enough to end a relationship you don't enjoy. Better to reconcile the relationship or not invite her than to present her with a bridesmaid's contract.
• Sit down and write an answer to this question: "Who am I trying to please?" If it's someone other than yourself, answer this question: "Whose wedding is it, anyway?"
• If anxiety comes from Mom or Dad, ask yourself what should really change. Should it be a bridesmaid's appearance, or your parent's overwhelming need to grab control? Which is a petty change, and which is a healthy one?

No wedding is likely to be stress-free, but taking some steps to recognize unhealthy focus on appearances can stop some of it. Your engagement is not the time you want to remember as the beginning of an eating disorder for you or a friend. So ease the planning burden while keeping your head. You won't regret it.