**Author’s Note: Stories of people with eating disorders (even fictional ones) can be triggering to sufferers. If you have an eating disorder or are in early recovery, please consider whether or not reading this story will be helpful for your recovery. If you are triggered, please process it with your therapist and/or treatment team.**
The alarm clock wakes me up and I hit snooze. I am so tired every day. My apartment seems so cold, and I just want to stay in my bed with the covers on.
But, I have to go to school, so I get up to take a shower and get dressed. Immediately, I weigh myself. I go to the bathroom and weigh myself again to see if the number changes It tells me whether or not I can eat breakfast, and if this day is going to suck or not. The number is low enough. I get to eat breakfast today. Glancing in the mirror, I see my naked body I start pinching at my sides to see if the fat is still there. Ugh. I hate what I see, and the voice in my head starts criticizing me. Maybe I won’t eat breakfast after all.
After my shower, I dress quickly. I am cold and I don’t want to see my body any more. Even though it's early summer, I put on a baggy sweatshirt. It keeps me warm, and people won’t comment so much about my body when they can’t see it. Plus, if my clothes are too tight, I feel fat. I allow myself to eat a small breakfast and several cups of coffee. I need the caffeine to make it through the day. Then, I drive to school, choosing a parking spot in the farthest corner of the lot so that I can walk. The more calories I burn, the more weight I will lose.
Throughout my classes, my mind wanders, and I find it hard to focus on what my professors are saying. I keep thinking about lunch, and whether or not my friends will want me to meet them. How am I going to avoid eating again? They’ve started commenting about my weight and how much I eat. Maybe I can say that I need to go to the library and avoid them altogether. Perhaps I can actually spend that time walking, or at the gym. Actually eating lunch is out of the question. I’m supposed to have dinner with my parents this evening, and that will be a harder to avoid.
After spending the lunch hour exercising, the voice in my head pats me on the back and tries to convince me to skip class and continue with it. But I am such a perfectionist. I have to go to class. I’m starting to fall behind in my schoolwork, and missing will only make it worse. Diet sodas help me make it through the rest of the day.
I get in a run before heading over to my parents' house. My mom hugs me when I walk through the door, sending a shot of anxiety through my body “Honey, I’m worried about you. You’re so thin and pale. Are you eating enough?” I reassure her that everything is fine. “I’ve just been pulling a few all-nighters.” She suggests seeing a doctor but I brush it off. Internally, the voice in my head is congratulating me.
I ask the question I’ve been obsessing about all day, “What are we having for dinner?” Shit. That’s too many calories. My anxiety shoots through the roof and I start tapping my foot so much that my parents must notice it. The voice in my head urges me to leave without eating. I can’t figure out a way out though. When we sit down to dinner, I mentally add up the calories for all of the foods at the table. How can I minimize what I eat? I end up with small portions of everything except the vegetables and cut everything up into very small pieces. I try to eat very slowly so that by the time everyone else is finished, I’m only half done but I say that I’m not hungry anymore. This isn’t really a lie as I’m not ever really hungry I’m not sure when that stopped but it has made losing weight so much easier.
When I get home, I attempt to do my homework but end up collapsing in my bed. The voice in my head keeps criticizing me for eating dinner. I won’t be able to eat at all tomorrow and I’ll need to exercise more this weekend. I’ll have to find an excuse to get out of my friend’s party — I guess that will be okay though, I haven’t really spent that much time with them lately anyway.